WITH GOLF being impossible for most of the country for the past two months frustration has been heaped on frustration. So with this in mind we bring you the 10 most annoying golfing characters encountered during 2013, fervently hoping that they may all have discovered a new sport by the time the courses finally dry out.
At number 10: the Self-appointed Swing Analyst is usually a mid to high handicapper who will be studying your swing closely on every shot. ‘Mmmm, that was a bit quick’ he will say as you snap hook into the bundu off the first tee. His favourite opening gambit is ‘Have you tried…’ and then inserting a rich variety of unwanted and useless advice.
In at number nine: Mobile phone Man. The advent of course distance guides for mobile phones has meant that, tragically, mobile phone man is now legal on many courses. But rather than just switch the phone off between reading distances he keeps the damn thing on as he regards a golf course as an open air version of his office. The phone rings incessantly adding at least 30 minutes to your round. ‘Sorry. You guys play, this is important,’ is his most popular line.
At eight: The Warrior. This man will simply not give up. He has paid his green fee and is going to play the course – every last inch of it. Often Japanese and with three other like minded ‘Warriors’, he will still be putting out for a gutsy nine as you lose the will to live standing on the tee behind.
Straight in at seven: The Mixed Foursomes Expert is invariably a married man with a high handicap who is convinced that his wife’s game will benefit hugely from his advice. Unlike the Swing Analyst it is only his unfortunate spouse who receives his tutelage. Invariably she is a more talented golfer.
At six: The Numbers Man who is unable to remember how many shots he has taken on nearly every hole. He stands alone on the green as everyone else waits, waving his index finger and saying, ‘Now let’s see. One into the pond, penalty drop, three into the sand, four out…….’
Down to five: The Round of my Lifer. Not a member of a golf club at all but will always appear on charity days and invitations. His society handicap is 15 and when he returns a nett 64 to walk off with the main prize as well as two nearest the pins has always enjoyed the round of his life.
At four: The ball-retriever last bought a new golf ball in 1998 and cannot pass a water hazard without pulling out his trusty scoop. Fine when on his own but a nightmare to play with, his favourite cry is ‘Hey! A Pro V1!’
At three: The Twitcher has ants in his pants and cannot leave Velcro fastenings alone especially when you are about to play. Loves pulling things like food and drink out of his bag or trying to jam irons back in, but only ever when you are standing over the ball. Favourite line is ‘Sorry, I hope that did not put you off.’
At two: the Human Volcano has the ability to ruin everyone’s day: he maybe a mild mannered soul off the course but turns into a foul- mouthed, slavering psychotic on it. Any poor shot; bad bounce or lie is met with an outpouring of vile oaths and a tendency to throw clubs and balls into water. Is the only person happy to play with the Ball-Retriever.
And at number one: The Fantasist is single-handedly responsible for adding more time to a round of golf than anybody other than the Warrior. Standing 240 yards away from a raised green and into a gale force wind the Fantasist will wait until everyone has putted out before playing. He will tell you that, ‘If I catch it I can get there,’ but you know that he can’t. When he finally gets round to taking his shot, he foozles it 20 yards into the heather and complains about the time he had to wait.